What Not To Say To Me On A First Date


I don’t really drink caffeine.

My doctor said it’s probably low testosterone.

I’m more of a cat person.

My favorite band is Coheed and Cambria.

I’m scared of air travel.

Lew Rockwell had a really good point when he said…

I’ve lived in this city for years but haven’t explored much.

I don’t ‘get’ Wes Anderson.

I’m from L.A. It’s sooo much better than Chicago.

The band is playing at this venue that doesn’t have a name so you probably haven’t heard of it, let alone been there.

I never drink whiskey. Only Malort.

I’m not a very sexual person.

I don’t know much about politics

I have a great Arnold Schwarzenegger impression. Here, let me show you…

What’s your favorite Pokemon?

I actually live in the suburbs.

You look like my sister.

I’m sort of a musician. Here’s a copy of my EP.

My favorite Mexican restaurant is Taco Bell.

Nazism was essentially about efficiency.

There’s not much point to learning a foreign language.

I believe in love at first sight.

What’s New Order?

19 Reasons I Painted A Wall Blue

(in no particular order)

1. It matches a lot of my things — the sweatshirt I’m wearing right now, the book on my chair, the color of my eyes.

2. It doesn’t match the rest of my things — green plants, yellow table, black and white floors.

3. Its proper name is “Lone Star Flag,” like the state my sister lives in.

4. It’s fluid and fills in all the spaces.

5. It’s a real color, one I can name, unlike the color of your eyes that I could never figure out.

6. It wasn’t whimsical enough for you, so you never wore it.

7. It’s clear and simple, even when everything outside is murky.

8. It’s not too girly, because I never knew how to go about that anyway.

9. Hokusai used the “Prussian” variety to paint pictures of waves.

10. It’s like the kind of light you were, in its superlative form.

11. It never roars, bites, kicks, snarls, or commands. It only drifts.

12. It’s the color of the tea kettle my father gave me.

13. It can be lively or plaintive, whichever you prefer.

14. It only shows up in nature as translucency, and not as an actual color.

15. Whitman had a book this color, but never did much with it.

16. You couldn’t see past the green, or the orange, or the red, so you never got a chance to spoil it.

17. It’s a color the sky rarely is in winter, so we never walked together beneath it.

18. It’s a side of me I’ll never let you see.

19. Tobias.

Words I Made Up To Use This Autumn

Through the trees

Bicaffeinate (v): To order a coffee drink such aship a Pumpkin Latte and forget there is actual caffeine in it so you follow it with plain coffee or extra shots resulting in an unexpected caffeine high. Bicaffeinated (adj): unable to relate to non-caffeinated humans in conversation or interaction

Ex: I accidentally bicaffeinated before my philosophy class and ended up choking the girl next to me because she said YOLO in our discussion about Horace.

Flannelsham (n): Seeing a male in the distance wearing a flannel button-up and believing he is handsome/cute/bang-able and then realizing when he gets closer that he is old/homeless/a lumberjack. Flannelshammed (adj): Having been the victim of such a ruse

Ex: I was totally flannelshammed last night at the bar when I was giving the sexy eye to that Joseph Gordon-Leavitt-looking dude who turned out to be the tamale-cart guy from the corner.

Drunkle (v): Drinking in excess in a chilly setting followed by the uncontrollable urge to cuddle with someone under a blanket or near a fire.

Ex: After three Caramel Appletinis all I wanted to do was drunkle with the next person I saw.

Related form: Friendrunkle (v): drinking in excess with your best friends until you find yourselves involved in a group cuddle

Harvestite (n): A sudden appetite for all foods you believe are currently being harvested, even if you don’t know how to make them edible. Common examples are beets, Belgian endive, chicories, squash (all types), and kohlrabi.

Ex: Looking at this recipe for Roasted Acorns on a bed of Garlic Kale is giving me such a harvestite!

Farmtasy (n): The somewhat irrational obsession with meeting the love of your life between the months of September and November at a farmer’s market, orchard, or community vegetable garden. Often prompts clothing decisions like sweaters with moose graphics, knit caps, feathers, straw hats, and ironic overalls.

Ex: If he had a little more facial hair and different glasses he would look just like the boy in my farmtasy.

Hyperaudiation (n): The extreme pressure felt by some to create the perfect playlist on Spotify/iTunes/Pandora to listen to while reading in a cozy chair at the library or walking down leaf-covered sidewalks. Note: these playlists will all contain at least one Sufjan Stevens track. There are no exceptions.

Ex: I can’t talk/text/respond right now because I’ve got some serious hyperaudiation going on here.

Bootsomnia (n): The inability to sleep do to a fixation with a pair of boots (riding, winter, or otherwise) that you are convinced you must own. This is sometimes accompanied by the acute panic that someone has just bought the last pair in your size and can only be alleviated by the actual purchase of desired item.

Ex: My work performance has suffered because ever since I saw those knee-high Derek Lams in the window I have had the worst case of bootsomnia.

Shrizzle (n): a substance coming from the sky that is somewhere between a light rain and a faint snow. Not to be confused with “shizzle,” an utterance commonly used by the hip-hop artist Snoop Lion, formerly known as Snoop Dogg.

Ex: If I look out the window tomorrow and see shrizzle I am just not leaving my apartment at all.

Bonsire (n): an intense desire to sit around a bonfire while drinking brandy cider or pumpkin ale, often accompanied by a craving to smell burning leaves. While experiencing bonsire it is common for urban-dwelling individuals to mistake cigarette smoke or bus exhaust for an actual bonfire. Bonsirous (adj): the quality of having bonsire

Ex: Last week I had such a bonsire that I hung out in that weird guy’s apartment all night just because he had a fake fireplace.

Fashurious (adj): anger caused by the fashion world’s insistence on putting pictures of spring clothes in magazines when all you want to look at are chunky knit sweaters and layers upon layers of scarves.

Ex: If I pick up the November Vogue and see even one model in a swimsuit (you know who you are, Raquel Zimmerman) then I will personally march up to Anna Wintour’s desk and slap the sunglasses right off her face.