Words I Made Up To Use This Autumn

Through the trees

Bicaffeinate (v): To order a coffee drink such aship a Pumpkin Latte and forget there is actual caffeine in it so you follow it with plain coffee or extra shots resulting in an unexpected caffeine high. Bicaffeinated (adj): unable to relate to non-caffeinated humans in conversation or interaction

Ex: I accidentally bicaffeinated before my philosophy class and ended up choking the girl next to me because she said YOLO in our discussion about Horace.

Flannelsham (n): Seeing a male in the distance wearing a flannel button-up and believing he is handsome/cute/bang-able and then realizing when he gets closer that he is old/homeless/a lumberjack. Flannelshammed (adj): Having been the victim of such a ruse

Ex: I was totally flannelshammed last night at the bar when I was giving the sexy eye to that Joseph Gordon-Leavitt-looking dude who turned out to be the tamale-cart guy from the corner.

Drunkle (v): Drinking in excess in a chilly setting followed by the uncontrollable urge to cuddle with someone under a blanket or near a fire.

Ex: After three Caramel Appletinis all I wanted to do was drunkle with the next person I saw.

Related form: Friendrunkle (v): drinking in excess with your best friends until you find yourselves involved in a group cuddle

Harvestite (n): A sudden appetite for all foods you believe are currently being harvested, even if you don’t know how to make them edible. Common examples are beets, Belgian endive, chicories, squash (all types), and kohlrabi.

Ex: Looking at this recipe for Roasted Acorns on a bed of Garlic Kale is giving me such a harvestite!

Farmtasy (n): The somewhat irrational obsession with meeting the love of your life between the months of September and November at a farmer’s market, orchard, or community vegetable garden. Often prompts clothing decisions like sweaters with moose graphics, knit caps, feathers, straw hats, and ironic overalls.

Ex: If he had a little more facial hair and different glasses he would look just like the boy in my farmtasy.

Hyperaudiation (n): The extreme pressure felt by some to create the perfect playlist on Spotify/iTunes/Pandora to listen to while reading in a cozy chair at the library or walking down leaf-covered sidewalks. Note: these playlists will all contain at least one Sufjan Stevens track. There are no exceptions.

Ex: I can’t talk/text/respond right now because I’ve got some serious hyperaudiation going on here.

Bootsomnia (n): The inability to sleep do to a fixation with a pair of boots (riding, winter, or otherwise) that you are convinced you must own. This is sometimes accompanied by the acute panic that someone has just bought the last pair in your size and can only be alleviated by the actual purchase of desired item.

Ex: My work performance has suffered because ever since I saw those knee-high Derek Lams in the window I have had the worst case of bootsomnia.

Shrizzle (n): a substance coming from the sky that is somewhere between a light rain and a faint snow. Not to be confused with “shizzle,” an utterance commonly used by the hip-hop artist Snoop Lion, formerly known as Snoop Dogg.

Ex: If I look out the window tomorrow and see shrizzle I am just not leaving my apartment at all.

Bonsire (n): an intense desire to sit around a bonfire while drinking brandy cider or pumpkin ale, often accompanied by a craving to smell burning leaves. While experiencing bonsire it is common for urban-dwelling individuals to mistake cigarette smoke or bus exhaust for an actual bonfire. Bonsirous (adj): the quality of having bonsire

Ex: Last week I had such a bonsire that I hung out in that weird guy’s apartment all night just because he had a fake fireplace.

Fashurious (adj): anger caused by the fashion world’s insistence on putting pictures of spring clothes in magazines when all you want to look at are chunky knit sweaters and layers upon layers of scarves.

Ex: If I pick up the November Vogue and see even one model in a swimsuit (you know who you are, Raquel Zimmerman) then I will personally march up to Anna Wintour’s desk and slap the sunglasses right off her face.

How To Have A Zelda Fitzgerald Summer

The SoundThe unpredictable days of May have wound to a close, which means those languorous June nights are upon us. Maybe it is that soft evening breeze scented with pink gin floating in from the south, or maybe a few notes of jazz dropping out of the neighbor’s open window, but the signs are definitely here: summer is on its way. Instead of rotting in front of Buffy reruns for the next couple months, these tips inspired by F. Scott’s muse herself will help you have the kind of summer they write novels about.

Do not work.

If this means quitting your job, put in your two weeks now. If this means simply not looking to end your current unemployed status, you’re off to a great start. The first step to having a summer worthy of the femme Fitzgerald is to have endless free time because you never know when you will need to make an appearance at a backyard soiree or skip town for a three-day bender. Bosses tend not to be very sympathetic to those who call off shifts due to the fact that they woke up in a different city and cannot possibly get on a train until the next day. Save yourself the hassle. Quit now.

Befriend someone with a country house.

If you happen to have a father who is a dignified Southern judge, skip this step. You already have a country house. If you don’t, it is critical that you find a friend who does because country estates are where you will get to wear all those hats you inexplicably bought over the past few years and be drunk in front of WASP families who have more secrets than they have marriages. You may even meet your summer beau here. If not, at least you’ll get to ride a horse, jump naked into a lake, go golfing, and eat things like crust-less tomato sandwiches. Oh, and you’ll be drunk the whole time, so don’t worry if those things don’t sound fun right now.

‘Yes’ is always the answer.

Do you think Zelda Fitzgerald married a literary hunk, lived in New York, Paris, and Antibes, and served as muse for some of the most enchanting novels of the time by saying she was “too tired to go out”? Doubtful. So when someone asks if you want to go for a drive, the answer is yes. Do you want to go dancing? Yes. Do you want to do a line of coke? Yes. Do you want another drink? Yes — as long as it’s clear. Only vodka, gin, light rum, and even tequila. Only these will fit the bill because when you stumble out onto a pristine lawn at dusk, the twinkling patio lights won’t reveal any stains on your pastel dress. In true Fitzgerald fashion you need to keep looking sharp from the time you roll out of bed at half past noon to the time you pour yourself back in at sunrise. Stock up on cucumber eye masks now.

Fall in love.

Catch his eye from across the glittering party. Look away, sip your Rosemary Collins, and continue your discussion of the new Elizabeth Von Arnim novel. When you sense his eyes are still clinging to you in your thigh-grazing beaded frock, look back and smile. Start a courtship that you have to justify to your friends who say it’s “ill-advised.” Stay dancing cheek-to-cheek long after the party is over and the bar has closed. Drink bottles of wine on the beach until the sun comes up. Have sex. A lot of it. Then realize it will never work and end things with a shouting match and shattered glassware. Never see him again. Until two weeks later when you start it all over.

Simple, right? Following these steps is guaranteed to win you a summer to remember. Your own side of paradise. If they seem difficult, that’s probably because you’re trying too hard.